The end of my (blissfully) ignorant days...

Sophie is slated to start Primary 1 (or Standard 1 as we call it in Malaysia) next year. You would think: aah but that's a whole 365 days away, so relaaaaax...

NO. Not in Singapore. In Singapore, any parent worth their salt would start planning their child's first year of primary studies immediately after the child is born. This is because in order to get their child accepted into any school with reasonably decent results in Singapore's national examinations for primary school children, they will have to either (1) own a flat smacked right across and in full view of the school, or (2) be related to the Prime Minister, or (3) be a billionaire able to donate funds to build a new 50,000 sqft school assembly hall, or (4) have the luck of a gambler who strikes the lottery regularly. Preferably all 4 criteria.

(Apologies, I was not being honest there.

Item 2 does not actually get you the coveted spot, not unless the Prime Minister was an alumni of the school. And item 1 only works maybe 50% of the time. You need item 4 to go along with it. So I guess only item 3 really buys you the guarantee. Pun intended.)

So they need 6 years in which to (1) work 3 jobs to earn enough to buy a flat near the aforementioned schools, or (2) stalk the Prime Minister in hope of becoming his friend, or (3) cheat, lie or steal to become a billionaire, or (4) attend church/temples regularly to pray for luck.

And of course, I just started thinking about all these, oh...just 6 months before registration day. Oh yes, no problems at all, Sophie will just end up attending the neighbourhood school for hooligans-in-the-making and speak rojak (mixed) English and pasar (marketplace) Chinese and not be able to add two numbers when she graduates.

.....

OK, OK, so I am a little hysterical here!! I am traumatised by my discovery of this whole new world a few weeks ago.

• "What? Volunteer for a minimum of 40 hours within 6 months at the school to get a shot at balloting for a spot?"
• "What?? I have to compete with 67 other parent volunteers and be interviewed to check the suitability of my skills?
• "What??? I'm not even guaranteed a spot after that???"
• "What?? I missed the deadline which was 6 months ago???"
  

And just up to that few weeks ago, to me, these terms were simply alphabets strung together. They had no meaning.

balloting
parent volunteers
Phase 2C
affiliated clans
within 1 km
SAP schools (contrary to what it stands for - Special Assistance Programme - it actually refers to schools that offer advanced Chinese starting from Primary 1)

Today they are my nightmare.


After 2 weeks of trawling the kiasuparent website, I am now somewhat able to explain to other gloriously oblivious parents about the various phases of the Singapore Primary 1 registration system. And trust me, after so many years of dealing with resourceful, creative, and wily parents, the system is well-oiled and all loopholes are plugged and sealed with cement. You are resigned to obeying the system and hope for the end to come quick.


* Hokkien term referring to someone who is afraid to lose. A stereotype of Singaporeans, but I think deep inside we are all kiasu, Singaporeans or not.